catalyst

My heart is bounding very loud like it wanna escape me And it's not from happiness . Yesterday was my birthday and i  put yearly plan it's nice but am i going to go through with it i don't think so .i  know that is wrong and that am not moving from my place even so thing is moving i know that make me a loser but i try to move on but i can't see why i should .i can't find my catalyst , the thing that makes me move the thing the makes me wanna live and take life with my arm open is missing. I really hope to find it this year because live is running from me and am getting old and if  i cann't find my motive to live maybe i should let my heart escape me.